Largo v ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club 3rd XI on Sat 03 Sep 2011 at 1pm
ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club Lost 96 runs

Match report Saturday morning and the alarm clock goes off. You look out of the window and are met with grey skies and rain. It must be a cricket day…

Thankfully Sid Milne (aka Sean Batty) had assured me the night before on STV that it would clear up in the afternoon. As ever he was proved right.

Destination Largo for the annual end of season friendly on the Fife Riviera; and we headed off with the necessary sat nav and postcode under leaden skies and steady rain, but by the time we crossed the Tay Bridge the wet stuff stopped and we entered Glorious Fife looking forward to a game. When we arrived, the ground looked wet and if this had been a village in Perthshire then no doubt the game would have been cancelled; however Fifers are made of sterner stuff and a bit of effort ensured the surface was declared fit for purpose.

Largo is a nice ground with stunning views over the Firth of Forth, however the changing facilities can at best be called compact and we adopted a rota system to ensure we had ample space within the shed to don the whites. A small window with a net curtain overlooks the balcony area from within the changing room and it was unfortunate that a young female player on the Largo side was accidentally treated to a full frontal from senior visiting pro Ted. She was whisked to hospital to be treated for shock; but thankfully returned to play a full part in the game.

With skipper Sim senior under intensive treatment for a persistent wrist injury, Sim junior took up the role of leader for the day. However, he unwisely chose to play a golf tie at Barry in the morning and as a result of this and his inability to find the ground – it meant that he did not arrive until after the match had started. When he did arrive he strolled in looking like a reject from Caddyshack; sporting a poorly matching slacks and sweater combo that had clearly been purchased from

Ted slipped into the captain’s role and even when the real skipper did eventually take the field he failed to regain his leader’s position and was resigned to the job of square leg among the plebs. This was no more than he deserved for turning up late – however this gave an unexpected wicket keeping opportunity to eleven year old Callum. On a tricky wicket and against bowling a good deal quicker than he was used to he did an excellent job -and this was highlighted even more when we discovered at the tea interval that he was under the weather. Well done Callum.

Largo batted first on a soft pitch and in spite of some reasonable bowling they played some good shots and started to build a decent score. Among the visiting bowlers was a trio of Walkers. Father Ted was supported by his sons Cameron and Blair and two of the three bowled well. Blair once again showed his ability to turn the ball profusely with some nice leg spin and Cameron bowled a very tight spell that slowed the scoring. Well done boys. Father Ted bowled some non turning garbage that got tonked.

Some of the younger Largo boys did especially well and young Brown in particular looked a prospect of some note. The innings closed on 188 for 7 which was above par on a tricky track.

We decanted to the adjacent church hall for tea and we seemed to have been transported to a scene from the Vicar of Dibley. This is not to detract in any way from the surroundings or the fare on offer. Nice fresh sandwiches, scones and homemade jam, cream sponges, a steady flow of tea and somewhat nicely- the tables were all placed in one long row which encouraged inter club bonding between the two elevens. Sean (aka Sid) visited the adjoining church to thank god for his economic spell and to pray for some runs and an accurate Sunday forecast. The tea adjudicator was taken aback by the quality of fare and surroundings and pronounced that Largo had come in from left field and taken the lead in the Golden Urn. We helped to fold up the tables and stacked our chairs like good boys.

The reply started poorly and fell away. The young Forfarshire boys used to the firm wickets of Forthill played expansive drives on the soft pitch and proceeded to pop up a series of catches to the strategically placed short mid on and short mid off. You can’t beat a bit of local knowledge. 10 for 3 soon became 15 for 4. Then Forthill’s two most experienced players came together. Clark (admittedly still in a state of shock at batting below A.G.Walker for the first time in thirty years) came in at six and joined Father Ted, both intent on retrieving the situation. Clark banged a couple of fours and the scoreboard showed some improvement and he then smacked one down to deep square leg via the skywards route which saw the ball plug in the marshy outfield. However with the nearest fielder stationed at fine leg some thirty metres away the only question in his mind as he set off running was would it be three or four? This was still the key question as he turned for a second with the ball still not in the fielder’s hand. When the fielder picked up the ball when Clark was half way down the track, he realised that given he was running with a paraplegic senior citizen then he would have to settle for two. He glanced up when approaching the other end to be met with the surprising sight of a stationary Father Ted…..

“RUN” Clark screamed……………….but it was clear that Father Ted had no intention of manipulating his elderly frame the required 22 yards to the other end of the wicket. By the time Clark had realised the gravity of the situation, the ball had been transported the lengthy distance from deep square leg to the giggling bowler (via the wicket keeper) and the bails were removed. Clark stormed off in the huff; Ted stood grinning like a Cheshire Cat whilst perching on his trusty willow. The innings soon de-generated further to 23 for 7 which saw various texts being sent to the record book keeper to ascertain the lowest ever score for a Forfarshire eleven… Replies suggested this could be a new record in the making.

The responsibility for avoiding the embarrassment of a worst ever score fell to Samir at a surprisingly low position of number 10(admittedly due to injury), the weatherman at number 11(hopefully his prayers would be answered) and somewhat worryingly the aforementioned Father Ted (who miraculously was still at the crease).. Largo took pity on us and introduced some less recognised bowlers -such as Scotland under 15 off-spinner Anderson (!!!!) – and far more welcome was the sight of the young Largo wicket keeper removing his pads. Samir batted very well and showed how to bat on a soft pitch with Ted. Block the good one, strike the bad one firmly and don’t take any runs other than boundaries. He gave confidence that we could at least reach 50.

Ted the cripple was swishing and missing like a mad man. To say he was living a charmed life would be like saying that Jedward are a shy and retiring young pair. He was playing back and swishing when playing forward seemed more sensible, he was playing forward and hacking when playing back seemed more sensible – it would appear that the old phrase of shot selection had disappeared from his vocabulary. Older Forfarshire players would of course recognise that this phrase has never been in father Ted’s wide repertoire of sayings. He muttered to the umpire that he thought he should adopt long handle tactics. The umpire saw no reason to suggest he should change his approach thus far or indeed the approach he has adopted throughout his career - and he just smiled back. (a minor smiling miracle considering the now umpire had just been run out by the length of the pitch).

But somehow Ted survived and indeed actually prospered when finally the wicket keeper (now introduced to the attack) lobbed one into the slot and Ted swished and hacked all in one hockey stick flaying type motion to send the ball propelling over deep mid wicket and into the fields beyond. Legend will no doubt have it in later years that it landed in the pub car park or maybe even on the beach.

The good news was that the record low had been passed and when Samir fell Sid came in and batted like an opener to further lengthen the game - and when Ted eventually succumbed after a never a dull moment innings the reply folded for a surprisingly high figure of 92 all out.

The game will be best remembered from a Forthill perspective for the greatly encouraging performances by the under 13 trio of Cameron, Blair and Callum. Well done boys.

Our thanks go to Largo for getting the game played, for a great tea and for a sporting game. Our apologies were made for not making a better game of it – but at least we kept you on the park long enough to avoid having to watch Scotland’s footballers failing to win at Hampden and having to listen to Scotland’s manager beating the world whingeing record previously held by Dick at a Junior Meeting. Largo is a great club with lots of talented juniors and a hard working band of volunteers - and can be held up as a benchmark of what can be achieved. The future looks bright for Largo CC.

The Man of the Match Award went to Cameron W and he wins a big bag of sweets from his Dad (which he has to share with his brother)

Father Ted is reminded that he will have to attend compulsory running between the wicket sessions over the winter – just on the off chance he ever gets to bat again.

Largo Batting
Player name RunsMB4s6sSR
for 7 wickets
188 (0.0 overs)
A Robertson b  AG Walker 31
A Eglinton b  S Hill 8
D Galloway Retired Out  49
D Scott ct  b B Walker 0
M Sneddon b  C Walker 7
R Brown b  S Hill 35
A Anderson b  C McConnachie 12
D Coats b  AG Walker 16
H Gillen Not Out  4

ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club 3rd XI Bowling

Player NameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
Glenn Carnegie6.002200.003.67
Craig McConnachie6.0030130.005.00
Samir Hill5.0030215.006.00
Douglas Inglis3.001100.003.67
Gordon Walker6.0128214.004.67
Cameron Walker6.0221121.003.50
Blair Walker5.0126126.005.20
Ryan (Sid) Milne3.001100.003.67

ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club 3rd XI Batting
Player Name RMB4s6sSRCatchesStumpingsRun outs
for 10 wickets

(0.0 overs)
Glenn Carnegie ct  b B Gillen 2
Craig McConnachie ct  b H Gillen 2
Cameron Walker ct  b B Gillen 0
Steven Sim b  H Gillen 0
Gordon Walker ct  b Brown 34
Clark McConnachie Run out  9
Douglas Inglis b  Brown 5
Blair Walker b  Brown 0
Callum Garden b  A Robertson 0
Samir Hill b  A Robertson 26
Ryan (Sid) Milne Not Out  0

Largo Bowling

Player nameOversMaidensRunsWicketsAverageEconomy
B Gillin5.02824.001.60
H Gillin4.01924.502.25
I Brown2.00531.672.50
D Scott2.00300.001.50
D Coates3.001400.004.67
M Sneddon2.00800.004.00
R Brown2.01400.002.00
D Galloway2.00800.004.00
A Anderson2.00400.002.00
A Robertson2.40623.002.25
A Eglinton2.001300.006.50