ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club
ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club 3rd XI v Rossie Priory on Sun 03 Jun 2018 at 1pm
ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club Won 11 runs
After many years of scribing these match reports, I was delighted to pass the pen over last week to our new, younger model who it has to be said did a fine job on reporting debut. I was therefore hugely disappointed when after just one week in charge of match reports........he announced that he was going camping in the deepest, darkest Angus glens with his BB chums and was therefore unavailable for playing and reporting duties this weekend. Words failed me - and I had no option but to pick up the pen that I had gleefully put into cold storage and return to reporting duties for what is hopefully one very last time.
My younger colleague last week reported on sundry heavy duty Sunday hangovers; and unfortunately I have to report similar issues this week. The previous day had seen a celebration to mark the annual "Former Players Day" at Forfarshire CC and also to recognise the great efforts of a certain AG Walker.....and this lead to excessive intake of fancy pink gin cocktails among other things and it was a none too sprightly home team that met ahead of the game.
Chef Dave and the captain were perched in their lookout tower above the car park to monitor arrivals and ensure that teas had been brought as required. Midge (previously a low level tea provider) was under particular scrutiny but we were delighted to see that he was carrying a heavily laden black carrier bag which clearly had the necessary fodder. Callum advised that he was also supplying copious provisions; but Chef Dave was none too impressed ( to put it mildly) when on closer inspection the well stacked co-op bag housed the following. A loaf of bread ( unopened), a lump of cheese (sizeable), a pack of boiled ham (the thought was there) and a tub of margarine (utterly butterly to be precise) He seemed to think that it was OK to supply these raw ingredients to Chef Dave and that he would then remarkably transform them into a fine platter of cheese and ham delights. Needless to say he was put right in the finer matters of tea for three provision by Chef Dave - and I suspect he won't be providing raw materials ever again...... A visit to A and E was thankfully not required for Callum - but it was close......
Ted has the tricky task of providing tea for three times three due to the very clear inability of his twin boys to make a sandwich. So tea for nine is required to be created by the head of the household, and when the said Walker Mansions chief has been guest of honour at a previous day's cricket function - needless to say even his remarkable powers of recovery were tested to the full on this occasion. His tea for nine consisted of a remarkable and interesting selection of pork loin and tomato rolls with what can only be described as a pile of ming between the meat and vegetables. Son number one (not sure which one it was) came in search of food to ease his rather sore head; and with Chef Dave's permission opened his Father's sandwich package - and let's say he was surprised and unimpressed with the contents. His Father suggested that in future he might consider creating his own filled sandwich selection.........or words to that effect. The unknown twin disappeared still hungry.....
All of this was occurring pre match and the captain decided to head down to the changing area on the assumption that due to his tardiness he would be last to get changed into playing attire with start time fast approaching. It turned out he was first to get changed as assorted bodies were lying around the changing room and seating area with their eyes closed. A concerned captain was reassured that this was a new form of pre match meditation that requires lying in a darkened room motionless and with one's eyes firmly shut. He thought this impressive and decided to join in and only the visiting captain knocking on the door interrupted what could clearly become a regular pre match routine. To the untrained eye trying to imagine what this cricket meditation technique is like; it could easily be compared to sleeping.
The skipper duly sleepwalked his way to the middle, promptly lost the toss and much to the delight of his team mates we were invited to bat first which allowed for further cricket meditation opportunity. Given I have spent much time describing the pre match tea gathering and meditation antics I will keep the cricket side of this report to a minimum as it will take far too long to write.....and I am losing the will to live. You are probably losing the will to live as you read this also..... Good 50's from Lewis and Callum and excellent latter over contributions from Joseph (well done again) and Midge helped us to a nice 217 for 6 from 45 overs.
Tea was taken and a fine spread was on view. Rolls (apart from Ted's mingers) were gobbled up quickly, the modestly warm pizza preferred by the majority of Forfarshire players(as opposed to piping hot) was snapped up too - and once again JS Premium Bakers of Brechin supplied some beautiful home baked treats. But wait a minute, where were Midge's wraps??? The contents of the black carrier bag which was heavily laden and witnessed entering the building were nowhere to be seen. There were no wraps on the tea table.......where had they gone??? They never, ever reached the kitchen it transpired................
Further later inspection lead to the discovery of an empty black carrier bag in the dressing room area - but the wraps had completely disappeared. Further investigation is going to be required, but the very strong suspicion at this stage is that the ravenously hungry Walker twin who came in search of food pre match stole the wraps, ate them and attempted to conceal the bag. There is a very clear club disciplinary code surrounding tea provision and the eating of foods prior to tea time is strictly forbidden without the full permission of Chef Dave. Players will be called during the week to a disciplinary hearing and evidence will be gathered. Investigations will be greatly helped if anyone can help club officials to tell the difference between the two Walker twins as the disciplinary investigation team ( headed up by Special Constable's Sim and Sweeney) have no clue which one is which. Details like they bowl leg spin, smoke tabs, drink pints and sleep a lot won't be helpful as this is information we already have and is of no help in telling them apart.
If anyone has any further information that leads to the successful identification and prosecution of the wrap stealer then a reward has been made available of a week's supply of JS Bakery chocolate tiffin. That should be incentive enough for any whistle blower to come forward..... Sanctions for anyone found guilty of this crime will be food based and could potentially be as far reaching as having to eat a packet of Christian's sandwiches. Hopefully it doesn't come to that......or it will definitely mean a visit to A and E.
Back to the cricket. We bowled and fielded well; and Rossie batted well. Upshot - a tight finish and we managed to secure a nice 11 run victory. A good game played in good spirit. So a pleasant day of cricket; although unfortunately played under misty, cloud laden skies rather than the sunshine of the previous week. We should really just be happy it wasn't hosing down I guess...
The positives? 25 points, some fine performances, a close game and the introduction of a super new pre match meditation regime.
The negatives? The shameful behaviour of stealing wraps before the game and as a result they never reached the tea table. Just totally unacceptable.
So that's me done. The pen is going back into cold storage and BB King will be back on duty next time. Unless that is he decides to do something far less important than playing cricket again.......
ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club 3rd XI Batting
1nb 9w 2b 2lb
for 6 wickets
st Yearworth b Stephens
ct Noordin b Lynch
st Yearworth b Jacobie
st Yearworth b Noordin
Rossie Priory Bowling
Rossie Priory Batting
for 8 wickets
206 (45.0 overs)
b AG Walker
lbw AG Walker
ct McConnachie snr b Cal Walker
b AG Walker
b B Walker
lbw Cal Walker
ct Ross b Cal Walker
ion8 Forfarshire Cricket Club 3rd XI Bowling
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